In a way I am living my 16 year old self’s dream. I remember trying to envision what I wanted out of life as an adult. Along the way I have acquired other ideals and I have other desires that are not met, and I have even more visions of future selves that I am still looking forward to. It is, however, somewhat comforting/interesting/unexpected that some of the dynamics I’m struggling to accept as a part of my life are dynamics I wanted to explore.
It fits with the point I got to a little over a year ago where I had a feeling of having skipped some part of my life and wanting/needing to somehow regain that knowledge. I felt a need to strike out in some direction. The feeling of settling down where I was perhaps frightened me.
Now at times I find myself painfully realizing different paths I could have taken. I see myself as the sole maker of my misfortune and I constantly judge myself for it. I try not to and fall into loops of judging for judging. I tell myself to be nice to me. I try to remember to treat myself the way I would treat others.
I am so patchwork and frenzied. I am water and oil held together with the slightest pressure of a fingertip. I know it matters that I am this. I know the world needs this, but I don’t know how to be a part of the world. Internal conflict goes so deep into me that I sometimes can’t see it even when it’s happening to me.
I don’t know how to convey the optimism that I feel concurrently with everything negative. I understand too well the swing of the pendulum. I ride it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel where it takes me. I can see the forest even as I’m lost in the trees, and it doesn’t make the way out any shorter or easier.