goodnight

It’s funny, one of the things I thought would be good about moving into this apt complex is that I would be able to get rid of the annoying feeling of being trapped in my apt by social anxiety. Nope. It’s actually worse here at the moment.

At the old apt I just had to worry about running into people. People who were generally pretty happy to smile and say hi and keep walking. Here there are people that with whom there is a sincere and mutual desire for friendship, and possibility for actual conversation. Granted, only two really, but they both live adjacent to my path to the stairs, and are known to be outside at times. It’s incredibly unpleasant when I run into them because I’m torn between putting on the ‘blinders’ and displaying the clear signs of ‘please leave me alone, thank you’ and giving some sign of warmth and/or friendliness. I usually end up with a mix, where I notice them and display my genuine friendly feelings toward them and then cut it off at the moment I start to feel pressured into making conversation and go about my way.

There are days when I only have some small reason to go outside and for whatever reason on that day, I just can’t make myself face the possibility. My desire is to somehow convey ‘I do want to be your friend but not right now’. I can’t really imagine that coming off properly. I’d really prefer not to make people feel like I am avoiding them … but the truth is that I am, and I also don’t like hiding the truth.

I REALLY wish people would just ask me direct questions, because I don’t mind explaining myself, it’s just not normal to go around giving people answers to questions they haven’t asked. “Hey, neighbor, so I just thought I should let you know that I do actually have interest in getting to know you better and hanging out, but not right now, I am avoiding you because conversation makes me feel awkward, but that won’t always be the case so I still want to display my friendliness to you!” I don’t know. When I actually put the words together like that it doesn’t seem so bad, but I’m pretty sure I would feel way too awkward to just say that without being questioned.

And again I reach the end of my ability to properly express myself in words. There’s more, but I can’t say it. Goodnight.

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