Right now is a time of frustration.
I’m still crawling along, got just enough sustenance to keep me going but comfort continues to be just over the horizon.
I’m starting to get the feeling that the act of trying to keep myself unbroken is somehow prolonging this period of time. This thought comes not from an invasive view logical analysis, but from a overhead perspective that takes into account moods, trends, and interactions with the universe. Taking into account the possibility for things to continually get better or worse, assuming there could be some correlation between a universal perspective of what Laura needs in her life and which of those actually occurs, it would seem something is holding me back. I am currently encountering a thought that perhaps the very thing which I am trying not to learn is the thing I need to learn before I will be allowed to move on. I’m not sure how I feel about this.
At some point I acquired the strong philosophical desire to not be broken. To not let my personal development fall victim to the whims of circumstance. If reality allows for the possibility of a certain dynamic, I really just want to hold onto that dynamic until I can manipulate my surroundings to provide for it. I don’t want to give in to the hands of poverty trying to mold me. Honestly, I’m not even sure how I would. I have changed in a multitude of minute ways. I don’t sit around and smoke and listen to music. I do things. Constantly. I’m always doing something. Online games, watching shows, cooking, eating, being with someone, working, sleeping, showering, and though rarely being creative or cleaning. Always. So … actually, I’m not sure in what way I would be breaking. How I would change that would be giving in to my situation. Perhaps it would just be accepting hopelessness and forgetting to remember what it was like, ceasing to look forward to what it will be like. I don’t see why I should want to do that. Actually, I can … but … I’m very unsure.
In reality I’m a pretty malleable person once I decide it’s okay to be. Perhaps I am feeling myself come onto the cusp of that? I am reminded of how one needs to be okay with being alone before they can really be okay being in a relationship. The relationship thing is going pretty well for me, but I think that dynamic can apply to other things. I remember before, I was in relationships that were unhealthy and codependent. I finally got to a breaking point and said enough! I stopped trying to put myself back into that position and I found ways to enjoy just being alone. It was not long after that when I met someone who I fell deeply in love with, and I haven’t gotten up from that fall yet… nearly four years later. The things that have helped me to explore the value of alone time are mainly what I am lacking, currently. I can’t help but wonder if I’ve managed to change the dynamic of my life so drastically that now I have to readjust once again, but in a different direction. Do I have to learn to find zen in sobriety? Do I really have to? Do I really have to learn to forgo the aid of an herb that grows from our earth and seems specifically tailored to sooth the human consciousness, especially my own? It seems senseless to me, yet I imagine scenes of a young apprentice learning from a kung fu master, practicing seemingly senseless tasks.
It makes too much sense, when nothing else has worked. If chasing something doesn’t work, resting just might let it come to you. Perhaps if I can view in that light, not as giving up, I will get somewhere. Perhaps this realization is only necessary because it HAS taken this long, for whatever reason, and I can no longer stand sitting idle and waiting, watching for things to get better. I am becoming willfully self destructive in my alone time, this seems like perhaps the very thing I intended to avoid.
Food for thought.