Waiting is extremely difficult. I think I’m intrinsically hypocritical and I’m not sure what to do about it. I wonder a lot about the influence of a person’s genetics on their idealogical leanings. I think I might be inverted, idealogically. As in, not just that I contradict myself, but that I’m backward from what might actually provide the results I want in life. I’m sure it’s all a paradox, and I’ve kept up my faith in learning, but at some point I have to wonder when some of that learning is going to start turning into acting. Yes, all of life is about learning, I’m okay with that, but I want to learn DIFFERENT things, not the same thing over and over, or minutely different facets of the same thing, or things I knew in the past. It’s hard to shake the feeling that I fucked up somewhere, big time, and there isn’t any way to ‘fix’ it. I just need to walk straight from this point and watch things slowly mend themselves, only I never can seem to walk straight for long enough.
I am thinking that I wish I wasn’t (I believe legitimately) afraid of professional help. I don’t trust society at large and so I don’t trust any individual agent of society working professionally to try to get into my head. The fact is I don’t believe it would do me any good if I felt the need to hide things and I would, in fact, quite feel the need to hide things. There are some ideas I have that I know aren’t rational and I don’t want anyone trying to deconstruct them for me, in fact I prefer to just let them slip about in the ether of my mind since I don’t know what of it I would say I think is realistic or true, if compelled to do so.
I am a person who stood straight, with plenty of healed wounds. Independence has been my backbone, self love has been my balm.
There are recreational activities that have spurred me on in a more interactive and daring direction for my life, pushing me to defy my assumptions regarding nearly everything. At this point I feel that perhaps some of those assumptions were actually right, which unfortunately makes sense. Why would ALL of your negative assumptions be wrong? The question for me now, is less or more? Do I dive into the ordinary and hope that whatever I’ve whittled away at will reform, allowing me to once again carve into it? Or do I take my first chance to get back on the train and see where the tracks take me this time? I’m inclined to take the more active approach. The truth is, I think I’d rather be fantastically miserable than ordinarily comfortable. Also, in looking at the place where events diverge from ‘wow! life is awesome!’ I realize there were very very specific elements to these recreational settings that were more than just a little unsettling. Perhaps these are the sorts of things I need to let myself be a little ‘dogmatic’ about. There are some things about life that you can learn, and put to good use. I am pretty sure I’m going to hop back on the train, but allow myself to exert control over the set and setting, and abstain if I feel I cannot.
As for the massive thought-tumors, perhaps they’ll go away if I am compelled not to think about them so much. I understood it to the point of not trying to understand in the past, and I’m not sure what happened exactly, but I am now obsessed with understanding the unknowable, even though I believe trying to pin something organic down to a logical system is detrimental.
The truth is, none of it matters and I shouldn’t care. It should be a jumbled flowing mass of purple haze, locked away from my clumsy cerebral logic. I know this and yet I covet the chance to pull some of it out and look at it, because I can’t help but feel that it is, in fact, more important than anything.
I know I just need to live my life, that is what’s important for me to do now. The judging will come later, I need to trust that my life experience will prepare me for it rather than trying to cheat now. I’m just … low on supplies. This person who is so good at living life, she’s not able to suffer for very long. She needs to be constantly supported by a body that feels good and wants for nothing. I think she’s mad at me because I failed her. She told me what to do and I tried to listen, but all I could manage was to enact the worst-case-scenario.
At least now I know. And, now I know what it feels like to know. I have spent so much of my life feeling the other side– wondering, after the fact, what I missed out on when I was being cautious, protecting myself from stress and fun together. So now I know what it’s like when you DID try, and you failed. Where do I go from here? I wait patiently until I nurse myself back to health, and then I STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS STUFF SO MUCH AND I HAVE FUN AND DO THINGS THAT ARE FUN and maybe sometimes I don’t do things that are fun, and I know that either way it doesn’t really matter what happens, as long as I’m not spending most of my time thinking about it.